I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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