he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I did not marry a roomba.
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