This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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