You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
