She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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