So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
