you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
