I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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