i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
