I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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