Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
