Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
