I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
