I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
