I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
