How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
