i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
