i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
