Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
