we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
