I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
