hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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