Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
