reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
