I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
