It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
