He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
