was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize