You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
