I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
