Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
