do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
