i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
