I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
