Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
