I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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