My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
