sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
