Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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