its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
