When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize