when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I want her autograph on my taint
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
