I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
