shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
