I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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