drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
