I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
