Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
