Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
