Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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