He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
