I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
