Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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