dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
