FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
