She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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